Just in case, this might be helpful to someone else…
I’ll never forget the first drink. It was horrible. A warm Schlitz Beer in Ricky Key’s car on a hot summer afternoon at the city tennis courts. The players and location don’t really matter now; that is long past. What mattered was my excitement to have the opportunity to drink the beer. Did I ever think I was a grown-up! A drinking man! Why did I think this? Well, everything around me said, “Drink this, and you’ll have fun. You will be popular. The girls will love you!”
I was 15.
This view of the “beauty” of alcohol prevailed with me for a very long time. I continued to drink through high school, during the off-season for football. I was very serious about my sport, so if I were in training, I didn’t drink until later in the season when it was time to celebrate. That attitude continued until I didn’t have a sport, the latter half of my senior year. My first big drunk occurred later that spring on the first free day for seniors, graduation week. It was a day to be filled with golf and fun with a few friends. Later that night, we had a baseball dinner and game.
We teed off on our golf game early.
I drank a beer a hole. Yes, we played all 18.
No, I didn’t start the baseball game that day, and I got my first stern reprimand from my parents, but I’m not sure how much that mattered. We were a drinking family. I knew I’d stepped out of bounds, but if I learned from the experience, everything would be alright. It was for a time. Then along came college, Fraternity Rush, and four years of never-ending parties. It was all fun and games there. Life was a carousel!
Then, I had to go to work, and with it, went the fun. Fun was replaced by stress, family, bills, others leaning on me, and too many “what if’s”. Drinking for fun and enhancing the party environment was replaced by drinking to reduce stress and to slow down the stream of seemingly never-ending thoughts of “you’re not enough” or “why the hell did you do that”!
This went on, and on until one day I realized I was way out over my ski tips and I needed a change. I went through years of trying to get up the nerve to stop. I could go on here about all of the bad nights that turned into horrible mornings or the many times my memory “blacked-out” and I couldn’t remember an event that I was clearly present for. I knew that I was lucky. I had never physically harmed myself or anyone else, but I knew that I had reached the point where alcohol was controlling my life. I rose to get through the day and make it to the next cocktail hour. That was a fact that I couldn’t deny, and it scared the hell out of me. I’ve seen alcohol and drugs ruin lives, and I knew that it ruining or drastically shortening mine.
So one summer night, at a friend’s wedding, after at least 5 cocktails, I sat down and said, “Enough.” That is where this story really begins.
It’s going to take a firm decision and some work
This was not the first time I felt the pull. There were many times over the previous decade that I felt the need to explore sobriety. I had made it through more than a few “Dry January” and “Abstain in August” events. I always felt good after those and had even made it to 100 days of sobriety a few years earlier, only to crash at day 101. Clearly, my motivation had always been short-term to see if I could just do it. I even said, “Oh, I can quit drinking anytime I want to!” usually followed by a cocky sneer in an effort to “sell it”.
But this time was different. I recently went through a process to improve my health through nutrition, exercise, and good habit formation, and I became a coach with the organization I worked with. Without this experience, I’m certain that I couldn’t have made sobriety work at any level. But I also didn’t feel that I could be true to myself or complete from a health perspective if I couldn’t stop drinking. I would think, “How can I preach the gospel of good health and maintain a drinking problem with the hangovers, blackouts, and horrible side effects?” Well, you know the short and quick answer … I couldn’t. Alcohol would eventually make me fail my overall health, and that was unacceptable.
The crowning event was a ballgame a few weeks after the wedding. I was sitting in a friend’s box at the game, nursing quite a few beers, and became anxious and angry with myself. This eventually spilled over to a fight with my wife and embarrassment in front of friends. I had to stop. So on September 23, 2019, I decided to. And amazingly, I have. Since that day, I haven’t had a drink. But that wouldn’t have happened without some real work and support from so many others.
I had been having conversations with a good friend who had recently kicked his habit and couldn’t say enough good things about AA. I was interested, but initially not as an everyday attendee. I had decided that I’d stick my toe into support. I didn’t have an interest in going away to treatment. I wanted to try this on my own. I guess when you are on your own, it’s not so bad when, and if you fail on your own? So I started a once-a-week men’s meeting at a local Catholic Church, and I did that for 6 months until the pandemic hit and face-to-face meetings stopped. It helped, but I found it wasn’t for me long term. It’s still a great organization that has helped so many people. Even though I was ‘on my own’, I had support from my wife and my family. I don’t recommend going at it alone for just anyone. You’ll need someone, or a group, close by to help if you’re tempted to fall. You may not need the abstinence police either. You need people who can properly support you and walk you back when you need it, and who can help as you approach the line and risk tipping over.
This decision is critical and key to anyone’s sober journey. I had to assess myself and discuss things with my wife and “sober coach” before making my decision. Should you be approaching this decision, please do the inner work necessary to make the right decision for you. Are you disciplined? Have you recently persevered through any physical or mental process for an extended period of time? Examples from my life include a young life filled with grueling football practices; numerous professional training “boot camps” in preparation for another job; getting in shape and/or losing a great deal of weight, and keeping it off over an extended period (years, not months). If you can do this assessment and believe you have the “habit formation moxie” necessary to carry you through, you might be able to do as I did.
However, let me warn you, if you feel you are weak in this area or are prone to chasing the next shiny object, find a mentor, a group, or a program. Whether it is AA, another abstinence program, therapy, or an off-site recovery center, take the action you need to get the support necessary to help you be successful. I personally couldn’t fail this time, as it would have really wounded my psyche to the core.
We all have decision points throughout life. This was mine!
“But what will our Social Life look like now?”
And this may be the first question your spouse or partner asks. Hopefully, it will not be their first concern, but I’ve seen it happen so many times. If so, there may be a need for therapy with the two of you outside of what you decide to take on for your sobriety. You’ve been able to weather the storm created by your drinking, so shouldn’t you be able to weather the storm that comes along because of the fear of life change that may come with your sobriety?
As you are getting sober and have achieved some level of sobriety, your social life will become an issue, and you will need to address it. Not only with your spouse/partner as noted, but with you. What will you do about your social life?
For my wife and me, our social life has been very active for a long time. Our relationship was built on it in many ways. Early dates revolved around parties and meals out, all of which involved alcohol. There was always a stop at the liquor store before any event or gathering of friends. And how many Happy Hours have ended your work week and kicked off the weekend? What about the weekend on the lake or a holiday at the beach? What is going into the ice chest now? Yes, these could be considered long-term issues, but you will have to address them immediately if they are part of your life. What about the daily 5:00 cocktail that I had and made for my wife every day for years? All important discussion points could turn into arguments. Don’t let that happen!
Don’t underestimate these issues. They are important, and you will need an answer. It may take some trial and error. You may be able to sketch out a plan in advance. Whatever you do, approach this tender flesh cautiously. Agree to be flexible. Allow yourself some grace and ask for permission to step away if you need to.
We didn’t have it all figured out on the front end. We did have some good examples and ideas from my Sober Coach, and this helped a lot, but it was mostly trial and error, and it all began in our home. The first day was the first hurdle, and to ensure getting through it, we made a mocktail for me. We did this for a good number of days, and it allowed me to begin getting through the daily cocktail hour until I grew accustomed to bypassing the need to pour some sweet nectar into my body. When we got around to the first friends gathering, I was just “taking a break”. At the first happy hour out, I asked for a soda and a lemon. My favorite bartenders eventually caught on and were at the ready for me. Today, I just take a big cup of Starbucks with me and reload if necessary.
While this all worked well, I needed one other thing from my wife. I needed the ability to exit a function when needed. This might mean retreating to another room during a party or leaving the bar when Happy Hour isn’t so Happy. We’ve used this practice many times, as my wife likes to stay till the bitter end of any social function. But she gets it, and it’s more important for me to stay sober than anything now. So, having me do an “Irish Exit” is perfectly fine. Now, I’m just sober when I do it!
He’s doing what?
Now, you’ve made the decision. You may have also put tools and activities in place to support your journey. You may be a few weeks or months in before anyone really notices that you’ve gone from “Dry January” to week 6 or 7, and you begin to hear it and see it.
“He’s doing what?”
“You know that’s just lemonade and soda?”
As a hard drinker, I found it difficult initially to advertise too widely that I was trying to break my habit and not only cut back but cut out my drinking. Living in a very social college town, where drinking was as common and expected as going to the game on Saturday, it was hard to come out and say, “I’ve decided that I have a problem and I’m doing what I can to change it. So, I’ve decided that alcohol needs to leave my life…”
When you finally let people know, you get two responses. “I’m so proud of you! How do you feel?” and “…Crickets”. Once I even had one suspecting friend, grab my drink, take a sip, and say, “There’s no booze in there. Are you trying to quit?!” They will come in all flavors, so be ready, but do not fear it. It is part of your journey, not theirs. Most of your friends will be supportive, even if they don’t come right out and say it.
As a friend to someone in recovery, you might ask, “What am I supposed to do?”
In short, nothing but continue to be a friend. Do friend stuff without booze. That’s all.
Continue to engage with your friend, just as you always have. Don’t treat them like a leper who needs to be put outside the village until they recover. Just be their friend. What did you do with your friends before you began drinking? Do that. Just continue to engage with them. Don’t assume that they don’t want to do what you’re doing. They may just want to hang out and chat.
Some of us will make the decision to completely stay away from environments with alcohol, and if that is our decision, we’ll let you know and hope that you understand. My Sober Coach rarely attends events with much alcohol. He finds something else to do, but on occasion, he will appear and engage. For me, I like to get out and engage in the conversation. Here, 3.5 years later, being around alcohol doesn’t bother me, but it’s not like that for everyone. I’ve been able to remove most of my triggers, but when I feel one coming on, I’ll back away and find something else to do.
We are all different and will approach and protect our sobriety in different ways, but leave that up to us. Don’t avoid your friends in recovery. Remain engaged and treat them no differently than you have before, just don’t buy them a drink at the bar. Believe me, we see it and really feel it when you pull away from us. And you know what? We move on ourselves. If drinking is that important to you, then we don’t want to upset your apple cart either.
I will not risk my sobriety to keep you happy. I’ve never felt better in my adult life, and I’d like to keep it that way.